Please Stop, Your Story is Killing Me...

Last week I was in Los Angeles, visiting my middle son and doing touristy things. (Tip: It's very expensive to visit/live...)

Ah, the Pacific Coast Highway...

When I travel, I don't bring books (gasp!) but I load up my Kindle with new and debut authors to see what they are writing. Without mentioning the author or the title of one of three books I got, I'm putting up my editing notes on the one book I read (I was very busy). My notes, on hotel notepad paper, got jumbled in my suitcase so my comments are not in order:

1. There were too many repeated phrases, i.e. "You know that, right?" It seems every character said this multiple times.
2. If this is a YA book (and it was) STOP using "f*&%!" for the word 'fuck.' If the dialog needs the word THEN SAY THE WORD. We're all grownups here and know the word- we all use it, too.
3. I don't know how old the author is, but tired phrases like "pipe down" are only suitable for older characters. I don't know a young adult anywhere who would use that phrase. Update your vocab.
4. Almost EVERY CHARACTER winked. Read Angela Ackerman's Emotion Thesaurus to find fresher ways to physically convey emotions. Not everyone winks (I rarely, if ever, do.)
5. How can you pub a book and MISSPELL 'livelihood' and other words? Doesn't your spellcheck kick in? If you're using a cheap-o program that doesn't have spellcheck, then get a better program. If you have it but ignore it, DON'T.
6. How can anyone lie "in" a floor? I understand there are colloquialisms but this one doesn't make sense and it really irks me. You lie 'on' the floor, unless you're melding into the wood because of an errant warp in the fabric of space....
7. Basic editing: you don't need 'of' when you jump off something, i.e. 'jump off a cliff', not 'jump off of a cliff.'
8. I wonder if the author has ever been on a motorcycle because driver and passenger can't chat when the cycle is humming down the road unless they have a helmet-to-helmet communication set-up. I know, I've been on a motorcycle and it's impossible to hear. I wonder if the author hasn't seen the Progressive insurance commercial where Flo and some biker dude miscommunicate because they're trying to talk between bikes.
9. There were places in the story that didn't have a natural progression, the story jumped from one moment and skips too far ahead, which throws off the pacing. It's fine not to write every single moment of the day, but if you jump huge chunks of time, you have to be careful to bring the readers with you.
10. The main character had two different names. Maybe she changed the name, but a global search and replace in Word would have avoided that. I do not know what free/cheap programs offer, but if they don't have a lot of writer friendly features, they aren't worth the price.
11. Basic dialog 101- you don't need a dialog tag every time a character speaks. Action can act as an identifier; i.e. Carol slammed the door. "I don't need your opinion." See? No tags.
12. When a character 'squeals' during intimate moments, I cringe. I want to ask the character, "What, are you ten years old???" It kills the moment, makes the character sound too juvenile for intimacy, and I wonder if the author has experienced an actual moment of intimacy.
13. There were moments when the main female character seemed too immature for YA; she felt more like a middle grader: squealing, constant snarking, etc.
14. The main character, a female, was always extreme- too whiny, too sarcastic, too dramatic. Again, this made the character seem not only immature, but shallow. I didn't see her her in a natural state and didn't feel close to her.
15. As an author, it's important to know how to use words correctly- like 'skeptically,' which doesn't mean quizzically, or confused which is what I think the author meant to convey. What's worse, is that this isn't an SAT word that few people know.
16. The phrase 'cross that bridge when we come to it' is something your grandmother or another older adult would say. Start hanging out with teens because their speech is different. The last thing they want is to sound like their parents or grandparents.
17. Only in the movie Deadpool do I love breaking the fourth wall- talking directly to the audience. It doesn't work in this book and she only did it twice, which makes it stick out even more. Just. Don't. If you aren't consistent and it doesn't fit the story- and especially if you're using it for an info dump, it screams amateur.
18. Like the winking, there is too much eye rolling by too many characters.
19. While the story has a setting in Texas, and the character may have a Southern drawl, use of the word 'ya' for 'you' is sometimes awkward. It fits with "Hi ya!" But, if you completely forget to use it in the second half of the book, I'm thinking you don't need it at all.
20. "Freaky deaky?" NO. Show me a teen that would use this phrase.
21. This is a love story- and yet I didn't feel the love. There were opportunities for kisses and if two characters believe they are destined to be joined forever, there would be more kissing, especially since who doesn't love to kiss the person they are so attracted to? They keep too much of a distance for me to buy the love aspect.
22. Repetitive behavior bores me and slows the pace. A character who constantly whines about things she already knows and has accepted drives me crazy. Can we move on to the threat she faces?
23. When a secondary character constantly steals the scene, sometimes it's fabulous. But not in this case. The secondary character felt like a bully, or one of those annoying people you know who have to be the center of attention even in situations where they don't belong. It disrupts the flow, distracts me from the problem at hand and I begin to hate that character.
24.  "Dad gummet?" Are you KIDDING ME? If you can use the word fuck, then you can say damn, or hell, or holy shit, etc. Really, grow up.
25. There was an instance or two where the action was to be in one place but somehow was in another. Maybe there was a wormhole?
26.  "Pulled the proverbial rug out from underneath." No teen in the universe would say this. Again, hang out with teens who live in an average city, town, or coffee shop and listen to them. I have a teen and from his speech, and that of his friends, guys and gals, I know none of them would ever use this phrase.
27. It's 'duct tape' not 'duck tape.'
28. Stepping out of character for an info dump, made worse by changing tense from past to present is grating on the nerves. I kept going back, thinking I missed a line, or that text got accidentally omitted. Just bad writing.
29. No excuse for missing punctuation; worse when it's numerous instances.
30. "How about them apples?" Did grandpa make an appearance, because it sure sounds like him. No, just worn out, dead cliches... Also, "good grief." NO.
31. If I have to tell you the difference between 'your' and 'you're' I feel you need basic remedial English.
32. When one character knows the other characters' thoughts, and it's not a psychic thing, NO. You're jumping from point of view to another, and it's awkward. (That's cheating, too.)
33. Same thing with forecasting; no one should know that the future is going to dramatically change unless they are doing/making a choice with that power. Just thinking, when you meet a new person for all of a few minutes, that your life is going to abruptly change I'm not buying unless there is a paranormal aspect. I met a new person at a book signing. Maybe my life will change in a dramatic way, but from chatting for a few minutes, I have no way of knowing. Also, this kills the surprise if/when something happens.
34. Dialog should feel natural; we don't talk in proper sentences all the time because dialog is immediate and personal and things can be omitted because we understand the flow of the speech, so when I read a line like "Are you to tell me you are afraid?" it just doesn't work, unless it's a stuffy intellectual speaking.
35. There are instances of telling, instead of showing, and usually at important moments. This waters down the impact.
36. A good writer knows the difference between commas and semicolons. Just saying.
37. "Both girls laughed at their silly antics that seemed to keep them same." There is no way this sentence works in the story because I don't recognize the speaker- the main character was speaking, but who is this?
38. When the formatting is wonky- too many spaces between chapter title and text, empty pages, sentences ending in the middle of the page, etc., it SCREAMS amateur. True, some mistakes can happen if you're doing the set up, so either review it before you release it, or pay someone to do the job right and then review it anyway. This really annoys readers.
39. If you don't know the difference between plurals and possessives, you are doomed.
40. If you don't know the difference between past and present tenses and when to use them, you are doomed.
41. Info dumps spell disaster.
42. Every time a character has a thought, it's easier to put it in italics, on a fresh line, indented, rather than tell me 'she thought' with no italics and mixed into regular text. It was so confusing because I would read and then at the end find out it was a thought, not dialog or description.
43. If you don't know when to use single and double quotes, you are doomed.

Okay, it sounds like I hated the book. The author had a pretty good plot and one main character I liked. The problem was all the above mistakes that ruined it for me. (And Amazon wants to know if I'd like to order book two now- No.) Maybe the author will learn and polish up her act. It's books like this that give Indie publishing a bad name. Not doing your homework, not reviewing and polishing until there are no basic mistakes. Not having a neutral person/group critique your story. NOT TAKING THE TIME. So no, I won't get book two although I would like to know what happened to the male main character. Usually I won't even finish the book when I run across so many mistakes, but I needed blog post material. Even in rough drafts, I would not have made most of these errors and if I did, I would correct them before letting anyone, even my critique group, see them. It's just sloppy writing.

I don't do reviews because even if I'm criticizing to be helpful, too many authors take it personally and then their friends/family/trolls threaten to ruin your life. I have a critique group and while no one wants to be told where and how many mistakes they made in their manuscript, we understand the role of the critique and the group and suck it up. Of course, that doesn't mean we won't slug down a glass of wine and cry about it to anyone who'll listen, but we listen and improve the manuscript. Honestly, I would be too embarrassed to submit a manuscript with all these problems, not that I have perfect manuscripts all the time, but compared to this one, I'm a freaking genius.

Review. Revise. Review. Revise (repeat about ten times more). And then ask others to rip your story apart (but not family and close friends because they will say, "Oh, I love it, it's perfect!" and really, it's not). Learn. Take writing classes. Critique other people's stories so you see mistakes in their work that you might miss in your own and learn to recognize problems.

Or, just publish as is and never get anywhere. That is the reality that is being an author.

Char

Making A List, Checking It Twice...

Actually, you'll be checking your manuscript many more times than twice. If you thought you only had to do it once, maybe twice, this is a very rude wake up call. For Sirenz (1st book), the revisions led to a stack of paper (between my co-author and I) to about my height (I'm 5'9"). Yep. I have boxes of revised, discarded, marked up pages. So, don't get too comfy, we've got a lot of work to do.

So grab your tablet, your Monte Blanc, your laptop. We're making a list of the things you need to look out for when editing.

The Easy Stuff  (Things you should know, but we're going to remind you.)

-Grammar (know if you use an apostrophe, a semi colon, a double quote. If you don't, consult one of the books I mentioned in previous post that you should have in your possession.)
-Spelling (don't rely solely on spell check; it doesn't know between read and red.)
-Consistency (If you've changed your character's name, town, eye color, gender, etc. make sure it's the same all through the novel.)
-Cliches (Unless the character is making a bad joke, eliminate them all, along with slang phrases that will date your work.)
-Dangling Sentences (Authors can take some artistic license, but if your sentence)
-Dialogue Confusion ("Go away," she said. She flipped her hair back, "I don't want to talk to you." If this one gal talking, or two? Make sure dialogue tags, modifiers and context make it clear who is speaking.)
- Repetitive Repetitive Words (There will be certain words that you love- everyone has them-but you use them way too often. Trim down the places where you use it.)
-Appropriate Language (Middle graders will not say "I must consider all the ramifications of your actions." Make sure the language fits not only the age, but the situation, place, and culture of your character.)
-Descriptive Language (Can't have too much, can't have too little; you have to find the balance between boring us to death with drawn out descriptions of everything and everyone, and leaving us struggling to picture the character or the scene.)
-Fact Check (even if you write fantasy, science fiction or contemporary fiction, you need to do basic research. The laws of physics have to work on other planets unless you can explain how they don't, but then you need research, right? If you're writing adventure stories, maybe you need to know the difference between a trebuchet and a catapult. Have the right highway when a villain gets run down. Don't wing it because readers will pick up when you're wrong.)
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The Hard Stuff (Things that will take more than one glance, may have to be read aloud or by someone else to be picked up.)

-Solid Characters (Characters can't be perfect, too insipid, stupid, or blind. Moments of those things, yes, but not all the time. Make sure they aren't one dimensional; they need a personality and some depth.)
-Clear Plot (You remember high school English- your story must have a setting, rising conflict, climax, and resolution. Action is required even in 'quiet' books.)
-No Info Dumps (This is where the author spends numerous paragraphs--or pages--'telling' us background info instead of weaving it in through dialogue or internal thoughts, observations and knowledge of others. The rule is show, don't tell.)
-Unrealistic Elements (If your character knows what someone else is thinking, unless they're a superhero who can read minds, that's unrealistic. No one can know what's in another's head. Another example is knowing always the right thing to do or having everything work out perfectly. That doesn't even happen in fantasies)
-POV (Point of view- can't have everyone's thoughts jumping out, shouldn't have too many viewpoints-unless you're doing speculative fiction, you're really good at it, or you're famous and people let you get away with it. Know the difference between first person, third omniscient, et al.)
-Time Skips (Your character is going to the store on a Monday afternoon and suddenly they're waking up to Thursday morning. Unless they were drugged, in a coma, knocked out, went through a wormhole or have black outs, you're jumping the time line.)
-SAT Quizzes (Don't use big, fancy, overly pedagogish words. You're not checking SAT knowledge. Say it clearly. This is where that thesaurus comes in handy for synonyms.)
-Flow (Does the action flow consecutively? Do speech and reactions make sense, are in the right place? You don't want your character to ask a question that never gets answered, or the other character answers 5 pages later.
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Yes, this is a long list- and it's not everything you need to check. As you learn to review your work more thoroughly, you'll pick up more with each pass. No crying or whining because this is part of the writing process. If you want to get published, and even if it's just for you to write and read, it should be the best it can be.  So...

We're in this together. We all made mistakes and need to correct them. If you think anything should be added onto the list, add it for yourself.

Until next week, keep positive.

Char  

(All images courtesy of Microsoft)